by SirWilho

 

Years of life have left me to marvel at how I can still be duped so easily.  Why and how can I fall for erroneous claims of persons self proclamations and/or a product they sell or show?   Now, you might be wondering, “hmm, this guy usually writes about fun, lighthearted stuff and now he has become mundane and jaded.”  Actually, you probably aren’t thinking that, but this is how I want you to perceive it so please bear with me.

Examples???  OK, here are a couple.

So I just get out of college in 1991 and go down to the MESC, (Michigan ‘Unemployment Security Commission), office in Marquette to help me find a job.  I wait for ‘the man’, and wait, and wait.  He finally sits down with me and chuckles while skimming through my measly resume and then says… “Ya ain’t getting no job with that degree ’round here, not even within two hundred miles.”              Undaunted, but a little taken aback by his nonsense, I hit the classified section of the local newspaper and search the ‘Employment Opportunities’ area.

Hmmm… “Team oriented, professional, smart, neatly dressed professionals needed to easily make millions of dollars,” the ad said.

THIS.  IS.  ME.

The ‘interview’ was held at a local motel where myself and every out of work logger, construction worker and pig farmer stopped by.  No lie.  I did laugh to myself when a man strolled in wearing a dirty t shirt and rubber barn boots with manure still on them.

I sit in the lobby and give my competition the dirty stink eye stares until the time comes for me to meet the squinty/shifty eyed but sharply dressed manager.

We talk for about 30 seconds and I get hired on the spot.

“Billy,” he says, “I gotta great feeling about you,”  and then adds that he was now looking at the next greatest door to door accident insurance salesman in the Upper Peninsula.

“Just look at this map of the Upper Peninsula and check out all this uncharted territory for you to discover and conquer, and it’s all yours, Billy, all yours!!!!!”  Mr. Shifty eye declares.

I wanted to start right then and there.  “Please let me go to Skanee, Arnold, Paradise, Watton and Watersmeet and sell this incredible accident insurance to the masses,” I squealed.

“Not so fast Mister future Manager of the whole Midwest.  First we send you down to Chicago and put you up in a sweet hotel… And.. Get this…  We even pay you $450 buckerenoos,” Mr. Manager says.

Unbelievable, I hit the jackpot.  At the time, I only left the U.P. a few times and never stayed in a hotel before.  Pride swelled within my chest, chin was out and eyes looked down on the poor pig farmer.  Mr. Manager told me I was special and I believed him because I wanted to and needed to.

Here’s the reality.  I had to drive down to Chicago with another guy who  had me help him unload a 40′ moving trailer before we left.  He then made nonstop kissing noises as he talked to his wife in our shared hotel room and was the most  annoying person I’ve ever met.

The insurance company hired people in Chicago to educate us on selling techniques, insurance policies and to generally make us feel invincible.  We learned, word by word, line by line our script and where to point our finger as we went through this ‘incredible opportunity for every out of work logger in the U.P.’  “No” was not an option.  PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) was our mantra and we chanted it like a VooDoo priest.  This is all true, we even had idiotic positive songs we sang at restaurants prior to eating, utterly embarrassing.

Well… selling accident insurance in the winter, at Indian Reservations, in teeny towns whose citizens deem you lower than door to door religious groups isn’t gonna make you money.

I.  Was.  Duped.

And Now, the Coup De Gras of grand dupedness.  (Ha, see how I made that word up and it rhymes with Stupidness)

Ok, I really do feel a little embarrassed over this next instance but it’s true and worth sharing so here goes.

“Ruby,” I say, (Ruby is my daughter), “just wait until we watch Animal Planet together, they are airing an incredible show about a new species of animal.”

“Really?  ‘Bout what?” She inquires.  “Not telling, it’s a surprise,” says me.

There we were, all snuggled in, popcorn ready, and we watched.  Not really ‘watch’ per se, but ‘absorbed’ the amazing video proof and information spewed forth by scientists, oceanographers, covert navy intelligence personnel and eye witnesses.  Ruby and I were elated about this new mystery creature and wanted to learn more, more, more.

For the record, I am a skeptic from way back, an email comes in that is somewhat suspect in content and I research it.  Could I blindly trash it or sent it on? Yeah, but I don’t because I NEED to know if it’s all true.

Remember WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) that Saddam had?

Yep, I believed.  It seemed that the videos of his scud missiles going end over end seemed somewhat archaic but hey, he was just sandbagging until he brought out the ‘real stuff’.  Duped, we were, but I digress and this story is close to the polar opposite of missiles.

This is a story about ….. MERMAIDS… and I believed, I really did… No lie.  And I was happy and enthralled with this new species living in our oceans.

My buddy Swifty and I were sitting around the campfire and I choose to enlighten him with my new knowledge.

“Didja see the show on Animal Planet about MERMAIDS??” I ask.

“Huh?” He says while looking under my lawn chair to see how many empty beer cans are laying there.

“Mermaids…. Yep… They’re real…  Saw it on Animal Planet, they had scientists, undercover navy seals and oceanographers  validating they exist and there was even a video taken by scientists who were in a submarine 2,000 feet below the surface and one swam by.  Yep, they’re real all right.”

“I call B.S., there are no flippin’ mermaids!” The now animated Swifty exclaims.

It was at this time that I pounced on his ignorance of mermaids so I go into the whole process of their evolution, how they travel with whales, great white sharks eat ’em, they hide in the depths and on and on and on.  Then I talk about the videos and again describe each one.

Swifty is still a little uneasy with this Mermaid talk so I take my Ipad out and Google.  “Animal Planet Mermaid Show”

What’s the first thing I see?  The show was made up.  Duped I was, especially to Swifty’s delight.

Generally, Swifty will do something, or say something where I can pounce on his error-ness and tease him, tell all my buddy’s about it, write about it, etc.  Now Swifty is one up on me and has all the rights in the world to throw me to the wolves and I’ve got it coming.

Is my brain this soft?  Jeez, I probably would have believed in the Easter Bunny had a show put together such compelling evidence as the Animal Planet tricksters did.

The worst part was yet to come.  The little person whom I shared this discovery with must be notified.

“Guess what Baby Doll, I got bad news,”  “What’s wrong Dad?”  says my lil’ girl.  “Well, it seems like Animal Planet tricked us and there is no such thing as Mermaids.” I pronounce.

Silence…….  “Huh?  No Mermaids?”  “For Real?”  she sadly asks.  “Yep, sorry honey, we were duped.”

“Well that’s just stupid,” she replied and hung up.

So that’s it, no more.  Nope.  I will be a consummate Cynic and nonbeliever forever, yep, forever and ever.

There is only one problem.  I like watching these shows and they mush my brain matter, just like the other day, I watching that show, ‘Finding Bigfoot’ and I am fairly confident that a sound they captured of a Bigfoot howling was something I’ve heard before.  For real.